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Coachjeff-Halfway-out/19-38 | 2008-04-21 |

A fabulous Waste of Time~

Racergirl- aka Halfway-out~ I never realized how really fitting that name is…

There are moments when a string of coherent thoughts manage to present themselves for consideration; those moments are fleeting, never lasting long enough for me to get them to paper. This is what is left of those thoughts after they leave my head. I suppose I should have went with version 3 or maybe even number 5, defiantly not number 1 (too vulgar) in any case, this is the letter I came up with. It is part love letter, lament, rant, rave… it is a Last Goodbye.

This is our last goodbye

I hate to feel the love between us die

But its over

Just hear this and then Ill go

You gave me more to live for

More than youll ever know

This is our last embrace

Must I dream and always see your face

Why cant we overcome this wall

Well, maybe its just because I didnt know you at all…¯j. Buckley

♫ The Music ♫

iTunes has always impressed me. For each song you purchase, it comes up with several other artists and albums in the same and other genres that you may enjoy. I am constantly struck by the leaps it makes from one group to another especially when I happen to own all of the most obscure titles. If only there was a system like that for choosing friends and family…

You may have noticed a few CDs enclosed with this letter. About 2/3 were recorded before Sun Valley, the rest in the two weeks after that disaster. Each disk had some kind of card attached, with my thoughts on the music, professions of love etc. I made the mistake of not sending them, as I was making them- I am sorry for that. Instead I spent too much time writing notes, making the effort to find just the right words to show how much… anyway, the point is that I should have just been sending them all along. Here they are now, most of the notes are gone, today they just seem so very inappropriate, no, that’s not quite the right word… they just seem out of date, out of time, syncopation without the beauty of melody… you get the picture- OF course this is far too much music to sit and go through at once. It may seem a bit whelming, overwhelming even. Hopefully you will find quiet moments in your day to take a song or two in. The sentiment and gestures should be fairly obvious; I do hope you enjoy the message behind the music as much as the music itself. I would love to know which tunes strike you and speak to you. There are, of course, a couple very special ones- erm… uh… maybe several special ones?? It would be great to be able to talk about the music with you. I do hope this gift is something you will keep and cherish.



On occasion I send you things of little consequence. These are merely simple trifles sent-as a way of reaching out to you. Tangible, throwaway things, disposable to the non-sentimental are still no substitute for our touch, our tastes- it is only little more then nothing at all.

A business card from a Seattle shop. (wondering if you even remember the story?)

A Key from the XXX XXXXXX ski room, complete with credential- I had such plans for that room :)

A lift ticket from Zxxxxxx- I think it has a couple of runs left on it, I would have loved to take them with you.

Candy... mmmmmm candy. EAT IT!

XXXX XXXXXX Bib- **note- always take the skis that are scraped :)

A XXX hat from the XXX guy.

Hair/head band thingys- part of the Racergirl uniform.

Drumstick from Journey-makes the music just a bit more special, I think.

XXXXXXXXXX shirt- I know you don't really care for a regular men's cut shirt- but this is what they gave me- they were out of the women's shirts. I didn't even wear it, I swear.

Finnigan- Apparently he is a fox- not the same as a real puppy, I know. A real puppy would have likely died before this box got to you. That would be bad. Finnigan spent the winter in the ski shop watching me from above my bench. I felt it was time to set him free.

A sticky plastic cup and a striker cap from a road flare... Pulling this stuff out of my pocket months later made it "real", made me hyper aware of my own situation, my mortality. I found it oddly comforting. I am so sorry you couldn't be there for N, she did ask about you that night.

A small silver chain to keep what is left of your silver earrings I bought you in Spain.

You don't need to keep any of this stuff, Racergirl. Maybe something will strike you... really it's all-just for sentimental fun- I do hope the silver chain stays with you. I had planned on giving it to you at the airport...


11:27 a.m. - 2008-03-21

AnotherCoach and his girl

I pulled my favorite coat out of the closet for the first time in a few months...

In the left pocket I found a sticky plastic cup and in the right pocket, two striker caps from some road flares...

"ODD" I thought.

Except that it wasn't.

The last time I wore that coat was the night of CKs funeral.

In borrowed boots, jeans and my coat I hiked with the other coaches and athletes to……… where we toasted CK with bad champagne (I had only the smallest taste, as I was remaining booze free with Racergirl until after the X.X. race...). Skiing down in formation, torches light, you could hear the silence of the crowd below. Snow crashed to the ground- like silent shredded glass... cascading... not letting up... like emotion that just won't go away.

We extinguished our torches; all except one that was passed to his XXXXXXXX boy, who took it, showed it to the crowed then, doused it in the snow.

The preacher said some bullshit about god and love and respect.... something about how all the people here had LOVED CK. While it was true that all the people there did love him, I knew several there that had shown him no love or friendship when he needed it most. Conspicuously absent was his X- best friend...

N and P had spent the last months of CK’s life tending to him. Feeding, bathing, caring for his propriety... sustaining him with futile hope.

A year or so before CK fell ill with the cancer; he was married... and had a son. Then he fell in love with his Racergirl. He lost his wife, access to his son, his job, several friends, the respect of his family... She lost her position on the team, friends, respect.... they were both treated as outcasts in their world. I am proud to say I did NOT treat them this way.

I stood at the memorial, snow coming down and thought of how N had stood by him. How amazing it was the she held on to HOPE... she held on to LOVE.


Maybe her intuition told her to hang on. Maybe she knew at some level that he would not or, could not be around for the rest of her life?

For CK and his Racergirl there will never be any regrets. No thinking of "coulda", "woulda", "shoulda".

They did not hesitate. They were patient and bold at the same time. While I am sure their path was not always clear, it likely seemed obvious to both of them.

Never Forever for them- fabulously tragic—

Posted on N’s FB as I sat in the coffee shop~

I’m at the coffee garden studying, and i am seriously witnessing two people fall passionately in love with each other. there is some serious body, eye, and communicative connection....

That same comment could have been made about Racergirl and I a little more then a year ago.


I would have loved a response-This was really important to me. I was hoping for some kind of acknowledgement. I do understand why you would remain silent, still though...anything is better then nothing.

Racergirl: OK, here goes

So many times in the past year you've said things like "I don't want to reach your limit" or "I hope you aren't getting close to running out." I thought that that limit was a million miles away, I thought I could suck it all up because I had hope for what we could be. But like so many other times, I was wrong and you were right. When everything gets added up...

Coachjeff: I know, we both tried so hard, maybe too hard? Had we been able to hold on loosely maybe, just maybe... perhaps if we become friends again we will know better? (Lamenting...)


My parents. I need them and love them and am so incredibly grateful to them. Yes, I'm disappointed with how they handled the news about you and I, and I was really hurt by what my mom said, but that can't erase 18 years of doing a pretty good job. More than just monetary support, they still (albeit sometimes superficially) support me in all of my endeavors. Repaying them by lying to them and sneaking around is not what I want.


I agree. Completely. I reacted badly to your parents justified emotional reaction towards us, that reaction put more pressure on you and I and was likely one of the major contributors to our failure. We were both eventually emotionally unable to cope with it... it all seemed so simple "on paper" we both really believed that if we were in love it would all work. I still believe it, I know it- the problem is that we both have to be in love for us to work. (Tears...) I feel even worse about it now that I have met them and like them. I believe that in time they could actually like US (note: I was still operating on the premise that you loved me here) Even today, if we could show them that though we are not together, we treat each other with nothing but love and respect- that we are good together, that we project a power and confidence that is nearly glowing...oh- if only we could be us around them... I enable you to beam, you make me smile, we are us, and we are remarkable...

RG:Marriage. It's not a big thing to me anymore, but maybe there's something wrong with that... the fact is, I used to say that people should finish old endings before starting something new, but I didn't hold you to that, and have very nearly stopped holding myself to that.

CJ:NO, the fact is you never held yourself to that- it is not that you "very nearly stopped holding yourself to that..." You did not, and have not since I have known you- that worked out great for us in the beginning, but has devastated me now, in the end. So much so, that I am having a hard time finding the ground on which I can be your friend- let alone trust you in any fashion. AND I do, desperately, want and need to trust you- there are so many great things about you that would make it worth my effort to find that place again.

RG: Skiing. We were GREAT in XXXXXXXXX last year and in XXXXX. We made an incredible team. This year, though I know we didn't get many chances, we weren't really ever on our A-games. I know there were a thousand other circumstances that got in the way of my performance this season, so I wouldn't go so far as to say our relationship hurt our ability to work well together, but I do think it's fair to say that it didn't enhance it. And honestly, though it's an enormous catch-22, the fact that you might not want to work with me if we're not romantically together is a sign of something wrong... I think that it's possible that if the two relationships can't exist without each other, then maybe they shouldn't exist with each other...

CJ: This is likely our most important issue at hand these days. I am sure we will be discussing it in person shortly. Yes! We are an excellent team on the hill and off for that matter. We operate in ways most can never attain, it is often remarkable. I cannot tell you how much I cherish those times. Those moments and days have been highlights of my career and my life. I believe our relationship it did enhance that experience. I have never said that I will not work with you if we are not romantically involved. I want to make it clear that I want to wok with you. I absolutely believe in your ability to meet your goals. You have a quality, an ability that others lack. If you find your love and discipline again you will be great. I think that together we can be remarkable- yes it has played a factor in our personal relationship. How could it not? I think that when we were (if we were in the future) it would be one of many factors that would make us extraordinary. We must take care of this very important “thing”. I want to work with you. The problem is that I am still in love with you. You are clearly not in love with me. I need to find a way to work with you and not be a complete emotional shitshow. If you want to continue on this journey, I will fully support you, but I am going to need some help- maybe a lot of help from you. I believe it would be well worth our effort.

RG: Lying, not just to my parents. We both have lied so much to the people around us -- and even the ones to whom we tell the truth, we are asking an unbelievable amount from them, because we require them to keep the secret for us, which often turns into lying for us. I know how many friendships I have cost you and I don't think that's right. I think that's a sign of something wrong.

CJ: Agreed. It's not right. XXXXX, your family, my family, our friends, the XXXXXX... we mis-navigated this to a degree. Even when I tried to tell the truth, to people I thought I could trust, it went horribly wrong most of the time. I do not believe all is lost. We can clean up our mess and restore our integrity, if only for ourselves. I am sorry I put you in such a precarious position especially after you worked so hard to restore your relationship with your mom and dad. I hope you understand how much I truly lost because of this.

RG: Our age. I'm not talking about the numbers alone. We're in such different places, Jeff... there's so much life that you've seen and I haven't, so many things you've learned and I haven't. You have mobility and freedom that I won't have for years. You have very different responsibilities to the people around you than I do. Your timeline is so different than mine... the four years before we can be together make up a fifth of my life so far and feel like an eternity, but I guess they don't feel the same way to you... and I don't know if it's because of our age but there are huge differences between our personalities, too... my ability (not necessarily a good thing) to let pretty much anything go, your tendency (not necessarily a bad thing) to expect so much of everyone around you...

CJ: If that is your perception about our age, I am not going to change it. We are in different places now, that is certain- but we weren’t for a long while. It is funny that you mention freedom and mobility we both have it albeit in different ways- some of it complementary, some of it not. I had honestly believed that before your injury we were really on the same page (god- I feel like such a fool) that we could be together this summer (although still in secret from our families) but especially next winter. I really thought you wanted to have this extraordinary journey with me. I had not divided your life up into percentages and cold calculations… 1/5 an eternity? I guess so? I do see now how that looks to you. Unfortunately it was a brutal way for me to learn about it.

RG: Miles. We are so far apart.... we have to go so long without seeing each other... I thought I could do it, I did do it for a while, but I am so tired of Skype and chatting, and doubly tired of it because we are always hiding it.

CJ: It is true, you cannot download touch. I am so sorry that was more important to you then real love (Not said sarcastically, just a cold, drunken observation, maybe I should learn to control that inside voice a little better… I mean this thing has been edited a dozen times, worked down to the crying mess of emotional slop… I took out most of the scathe and splatter… “Real love” should have been in quotes? I digress…)

RG: It would be easy to argue that these issues have been there for months, so why now? But for the rest of the time we've been happy, we've gotten along well and made each other happy. We haven't done that recently. You said yourself that you fear talking to me. I didn't go to sleep before 2 for the entire week before Saturday. I know it's a result of my fucking things up but it is still exhausting, taxing, and I have so much on the line right now - and you do too! You shouldn't have to deal with that kind of drama.

CJ: My fear came from the stress of talking to you- you never had anything positive to say and I could tell you were lying to me about your study buddy. I still felt (feel?) sooo much love for you- godfuckingdamnit!!!!! I still love Racergirl- her perfections, her flaws…but yes it was hard and made even more difficult after your injury. The sleep thing is entirely your issue to deal with. I do appreciate any and all time you spend talking to me, I never liked keeping you so late. It seemed the only time we would have a complete conversation though was at night- especially when working through your issues (school, friends, us, skiing etc) … The thing is now you stay up just as late, if not later getting less sleep because your with the boy of the moment. What is the math on the fellas anyway? 1.25 per week since crushing me? If you want to talk about lost sleep, I have plenty to talk about… then again these are your reasons, If you truly believe that the sleep thing is my fault I’m not going to change your mind…(upon re-reading this, I think I need to take more responsibility for it- I am tired, angry, hurt… sorry for lashing out… these are your reasons. I have no authority, no right, to tell you how to feel or think about anything)

RG: God I love you, Jeff. I care for you so much. The strangest part of all of this is that I can still see 10 years down the road - I can still believe that things might work out - I just can’t do it right now... I can't live for 10 years waiting for things to be good, I have to make decisions about being happy sooner than that... (Disclaimer: I am NOT comparing you to B in what I'm about to say - this comment is a completely about ME and my path) I spent 2 years too long with B, living on hope and praying desperately that things would be good again. I threw away so much of myself, screwed myself up so badly because I thought things would magically get better. I have got to be smarter than that.

I am so, so sorry. You can't imagine the guilt. I think I'm doing the right thing but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt me - so much - to know that I've hurt you.................


CJ: I never expected for us to have to wait ten years. I thought you and I were going to be great sooner then later. I really believed we were going to be extraordinary. Yes, you must make good decisions for yourself. I am absolutely devastated that you think you think you are throwing yourself away- that this “thing” “us” was so detrimental to your life. That is exactly the opposite of where I was at with this relationship. Clearly my intuition was correct in September when it told me to wait and see what happens with this first school year.

“You can’t imagine the guilt” – Yes, Racergirl , I can. It courses through me like our first kiss.




I can't get to sleep

I think about the implications

of diving in too deep

and possibly the complications

especially at night

I worry over situations

I know we'll be alright...C.Hay


The sleep thing.

I had not been sleeping well when we first met- I mean when we met again :). I was fine on the road, but I was not sleeping much at home. The long hours at work seemed to help. If I could work my way to exhaustion, I found I could sleep and even dream on occasion. I seem to remember sleeping well in TR, although I think I had to deliberately pull myself away from you the night we drank.

It was difficult to sleep in Spain. Jet lag, your sleep habits and, a couple of nights of booze proved a bit tough. The one time I did sleep well was when you offered to hold my hand (the charity hand hold-LOL) we were becoming close and I thought it was a sweet gesture, one that helped me sleep.

Sleep, from the time I got home (from Spain) until now, has been fleeting. I am lucky if I get five hours in a day. Dreams have been occasional, stirring at times, boring random firings across my synapses at others -all together there have been too few-

My sleep will come in time, when I can finally leave this place I'm in now. It is not your fault. You have been great at sympathizing, supporting and encouraging my efforts to sleep, to rest- it is my own fault, my fuck-up... that I did not have the courage to just move out this past fall- at least I would have been rid of my guilt, not to mention a full step ahead on my commitment to you. Still, I truly believed it would all work out in the end. I suppose it did, just not in any kind of fashion I had hoped for.


The DL Thing

I felt privileged when you first introduced me to you DL journal. I saw it as an intimate gesture. I did honor your request for privacy after that certain entry. I did enjoy looking through your past, I was great to see that voice develop…grow. You are well within your right to take that privilege away. I did feel you did it in an extremely cold and callous way. Your excuse was/is pitiful… you still constantly search out your x as a method of working through your process, yet you claim you shut me down for my own good, for my benefit. Well thanks- but I think I can make that decision for myself. I think the real reason, a more valid reason, is because you do not want me to succumb to any temptation to read about your latest exploits and the process that you went through to “fall out of love”- that is all fine just admit it or don’t be a hypocrite on a subject that means so much to you. I still plug my password in there from time to time to see if you’ve had a change of heart… no luck yet. L

Oh! The guilt of failing at my marriage

And then

Loving you

Hating you

All the small things in-between


I am wishing for


Not Tranquility

Nor peace

Simple, sound, sleep.

Sleep brought about by

Your sweet murmurings

A lullaby

Good nite~ you say

Lips glance across mine

Slightest touch of






Whisper the word you could never, would never

Say aloud

Let me dream

9:07 p.m. - 2008-02-02


...stood up twice in one week, by a girl who loves me, I guess, and never gets to see me.

Still enamored by shiny objects- XXXXX CCC, XXXXXX, concert, the attention of someone new...

Conveniently "forgets" our plans.

"But I love you..."

I felt incredibly disrespected last night and even more so now.


I did not realise at that point you were drifting away from me, from us.... It never occurred to you to just go back to you room, and then come see me? All that contemplating and effort that went into your whole thought process and it never occurs to you to simply get up and walk away, walk to me, call me? NO. Sadly. You were rightfully upset with your results- maybe rightfully seeking your off mode? Maybe I reminded you too much of the day? Maybe you did need to be away from me. At the time, I felt you were distracted by the boys, while I was off working on your stuff, then later waiting for you.... of course had I made even more effort, maybe it would have been enough to stave off the impending devastation for another week and you could have gone home happier... I dunno... maybe. You recently said you didn't feel all that bad or wrong about it- so I guess you weren't? I felt hurt and taken for granted. On top of it all, nobody said thank you that weekend. I wonder if we fucked goodbye that morning. I wonder if you knew going to the airport, if that is why you settled for a simple kiss in our last private moments together. (tear)


There were five of us walking to the meeting at around 7 pm. It was just starting to get dark- so we were walking on the far left side of the road; there was really no sidewalk to speak of. A SUV came careening around the corner- C made some remark about how fast he was going- we all shifted more to our left, but the car was still heading straight for us. I pulled S, with both hands; aggressively to my left- a split second later the car struck my shoulder, spinning me around so that my hand touched down on the ground. It hurt me and enraged me.

Why would someone deliberately hit me with his car? What did I do to deserve that? What did I do wrong?

I followed the SUV to the parking lot, where I found a man in his mid to later 50s, tall-well over six feet, graying hair... I approached him with some apprehension- I asked him if he had known that he hit me with his car...At this point I was soooo angry, so dumbfounded- yet I distinctly remember that I would give him a chance, maybe there was some crazy reason he assaulted me with his vehicle, maybe he would apologies profusely and offer me his hand... uh, it didn't unfold that way unfortunately. He was extremely angry, stepping toward me aggressively... I asked him why he would do that... His response was to scream at me... thrusting his ski poles at me he shouted, "You were taking up the whole road"... "I should have ran over your little girl too" (a reference to Steph)... "Fuck you, you think you own the road whitey"... I stepped back, out of range of his poles- he continued to scream "why shouldn't I kick your ass?' My retort was something to the effect of "unless you are some kind of ex- marine or Navy Seal you have no chance..." (I'm such a bad ass- lol)..." he took a swing with his ski poles and missed. I kicked his skis from the bumper of his car... saying something about "is this what you really want... you need to hurt me, assault me for some reason... and whitey? Really? You are calling me whitey? You are an asshole- you are not worth my time.... At that point I was so filled with rage- filled with contempt for such an obtuse and absurd man I could do nothing but walk away. My vision was clouded, peripheral vision distorted to gray and black, heart pounding in my ears. My stomach was tied in a knot, the taste of adrenaline in the back of my throat...I turned to walk away.

"Fucken Whitey".


Did you just call me "whitey"?

This is about race?


How did I, what did I do to deserve such an absurdly violet attack against my friends and me? It made no sense then and still makes no sense now.

This guy was just a plain old bully. He was pushing me around, assaulted me with his car and, nearly hurt people I am responsible for. I can't quite remember the moment I turned and went back to his car... I do know his back was to me. I pulled the knife out of my front pocket, and in one motion pushed the button as I plunged it into his tire, and then again.... I turned and walked slowly back to the meeting...

Walking back to the meeting my heart rate slowed, the pounding in my ears stopped, I became exhausted, sleepy- I felt like I did when I was in grade school, battered, bloodied- beat- he had gotten to me. I had the last word, he got what he deserved but really what did I win? I was just, yes- but how did I "win"? The thing is, unless you have ever really been beaten down by a bully you cannot know how important it is to stand up to one. I have. It is awful. It is demeaning to have your agency forcibly taken form you in order to humiliate you. It is one of the most degrading things one can experience. As a consequence of said experiences, I just can’t let a bully go. I do honestly seek “peace” but appeasement is not in my nature.

RG, you must know that I wrestled with this situation; I played it over and over. While the guys all thought I was some kind of bad ass/psycho, I am not proud of how it all turned out. I had honestly thought he would have taken my hand and said he was sorry when he was so obviously wrong... I was foolishly mistaken... If you wish, I would be willing to discuss this with you some more. I do not ever expect you to be comfortable with violence, but maybe I can help you understand and rationalise it.

I am deeply saddened that this is not something you could have come to me about. It kills me that it contributed to our demise. I am truly sorry it affected you this way.


Recently you asked me if I had you "figured out". Cautiously, I said "yes, to a degree" I would never presume this to be a complete evaluation, only an observation of what I have seen so far- I would relish the opportunity and privilege to spend several more years "figuring you out". Please forgive the stream of consciousness writing here, I was, ya know, just going with my stream of consciousness.

She, XXXXXXXXXX, is a forceful, ambitious, and conservative personality; one bent on achieving a good deal of prestige and success in the world- uses the word extraordinary to define her goals, her path, and her ultimate destiny. Perhaps this pursuit of extraordinary will only be a veneer that hides a substantial lack until the realisation is made that it takes extraordinary effort on the journey to achieve the desired outcome. On the surface, XXXXXXXXX is full of vitality, and always expressing good spirits. Underneath, there is a hard streak in her nature, a degree of ruthlessness that never forgets or forgives an injury or a slight to her pride or vanities... to her soul- injure her soul and she is inconsolable. So independent and authoritative, she subtly seeks the ultimate in prominence- {like} the jacket as a reflection of the glory of that extraordinary goal. There is something magnificent about her methods, her process- Physically and verbally non-confrontational, XXXXXX presents soft arguments spiked with fact to her adversary's that enables her to demolish their arguments and philosophies ruthlessly, but without malice.

Aside from the physical beauty and the siren song that lured the likes of myself and will be the same for dozens of others to follow, XXXXXXX has a detached and impersonal quality that allows her a distance, a chasm you can see across but is nearly impossible to assail. I was allowed to cross-said chasm for a period of time, but was beaten back by relentless forces... She is not overtly or even normally introspective, yet uses that skill when it suits, and rationalizes, compartmentalizes any insights gained from peering into the dark, sticky corners of her life- her mind- (& her soul?).

XXXXXXXXXX has tremendous control over herself, her time, and her way of moving through this life. , Xxxxx, XXXXXX- the most distinct personalities that make up her core character- The athlete, the student and, the daughter, sister, friend, lover.... Each character has its distinct layers and flavors that have wrapped themselves in the folds of my memory. These characteristics are punctuated by a good deal of pride and vanity that can be satisfied with puerile, selfish exploits-the admiration, the flattery boys use to get what they want in return feeds a young soul's ego (disguised as a alluring confidence), a great hair day and the like, are all part of the methodology of her existence and her social navigation.

More importantly, Xxxxxxxxxx has her focus and intent set on a broader scope of ambitions. These ambitions are the domain of the older part of her soul, one that is bathed in a quiet restlessness. Aside from me (actually I am no longer a dilemma, I am merely a part of the collection), her biggest dilemma is how these characteristics are supposed to work together to reach the ultimate conclusions (Olympian, athlete, WC competitor, Doctor[?], Humanitarian, scientist, teacher, coach, mother[?]...) for her self imposed obligations and goals. These ambitions cannot be met with a well put together outfit, great tits, a nice ass and knowing smile (although it couldn't hurt, right?) BUT-- her idea of fun and social sport can.

Her broader scope of ambitions/excellence is marked distinctly with the idea of extraordinary. The cohesion between her core character[s] and the duality of her older self (potential) and who she is now is a beautiful struggle. I think I fell in love with her during a time when she was able to briefly reconcile them. A rather uniquely magnificent time in both our lives- it was foolishly fabulous.

Sometimes she signs her missives X~ A way- A reflection, I think, of expressing small parts of her total self...I was... I am in love with the totality of Xxxxxxxxxx.



FRM: Racergirl

"Can we still be extraordinary?"

Received 7:12:20pm


I had just left work when I received your text- I gasped for air; choked and cried so hard I had to pull my car over. “Did she really see a kind of future for us”?


Yes I believe we can. It is possible. We still have this big “thing” aside from us, we have our goal.

I sent an email response the next day or maybe it was that night, knowing that this text was not a plea, but likely only a brief moment of remorse.


I wanted to scream and shout at you. “HOW COULD YOU?” Like I expected some sort of answer that would pacify me. I was expecting an answer that would make perfect sense and quash this internal melting sensation. I wanted to scream how could you betray my trust, how do you sleep with… with… him? FUCK, I felt so disrespected, but I let it all go as a lapse… a lapse of a beautiful woman that loves me, just because she hooks up with someone else does not necessarily diminish her love and desire for me… RIGHT? With all those things we said, we promised, we dreamed together- those things that were/are coming to fruition- all those extraordinary things- until the very moment the wind changed direction and you got distracted. I wanted to scream about how it hurt and, shamefully, I wanted YOU to taste the bitter, acrid flavor of my sorrow in some perverted hope that it would change your mind, that this tiny death is so wrong. I felt cheated, bitter… I wanted to scream about the future, my colossal sacrifices and failures…. I wanted to scream about how I feel duped and ashamed that I fell for you only to hide my embarrassment that I cannot stop loving and being so crazy, so madly, so very, very deeply in love with you… that there will be no way for me to cover my unabashed desire for the totality of Marguerite… GOD DAMN--- I wanted to scream about “extraordinary” and how I am the one that believes in you, and maybe, just maybe that was one of the reasons you fell for me… because you knew, you could see that about us even before I said those words in a subway station in Madrid… on a spring night… about a year ago… (So many tears now)



1 Viaje



(I hear Madrid is lovely this time of year, with all the people on the streets and such. This train is highly recommended. You should also try the tapas...)

A few days later, you did, finally explain it to me. It was not the mere mechanics of the relationship. It was the thing I never expected, never anticipated…

I don’t love you any more… i am Not IN LOVE WITH YOU… I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU.

…Silence. God… no. Wait? WHAT?

All those other reasons were good enough by themselves to end it all, but this? This is…


Actually, literally, exactly, Overwhelming.

My vision narrows to an intent focus lacking peripheral vision. There is a distinct ringing in my ears, a shrill sound with the echo of those unfathomable words. My throat closes in effort to not have to swallow a fate I now have no control over… stomach churns and twists itself into knots that actually feels better after the blood has been all coughed up. The pressure squeezes and pulls at my chest so hard, so hard… so very hard, it is like you can feel the muscle fibers tearing and popping as my heart races and slows erratically. It is not dissimilar to watching a loved one die. In fact, it is nearly the same- a thing you never want to go through, yet you would never miss it, even if it means they would only grace you life for a few short moments. AND now I am sobbing. Sobbing uncontrollably. Suddenly a second wave crashes over me- first a chill then heat. Heat that makes my neck hot to the touch and seems to suck all the air from my body- I gasp and reach out for a few deep heaving breaths that do not fill my lungs. I am choking. On. Those. Words. “I am not in love with you anymore”

An hour later the tears stop for a moment and I feel heavy and hollow. There is now a distinct lack in my life. A missing piece, not something I owed or controlled, but rather a feeling of lightness of being of the world, not just in it… This is a profound and deep sorrow I only touched the surface of at one other time in my life, the only difference between then and now, is that now, due only to my lack of foresight, I did not see it coming AND this desertion was by choice… a choice to abandon me (tears). I was broken at that moment the other day… fuck (in my small voice) I am broken now.



eyes glisten

a glossy red

salt stained cheeks


taste of tears

Love lost

Bent, broken

I am not in love with you

I am not in love with you

I am not in love with you

I am not in love with you


Throughout hollow me.


SO, now the grasping and explaining above is all for not. The explanations and recriminations are useless and only serve to strengthen your resolve. I see it in your face when we speak. Your jaw sets hard. Your expression continues to grow firmly, stoic. I see you light up again, only briefly when you speak of your others or when they happen by while we are rolling in the shards of our former acquaintance … and I know for certain you have no regrets. I can see it in your now default “look”. I am hurt and sad that you never let those sheets of yours get cold. I am actually really surprised at how fast you have hooked up with other people, several other people from what I know- I just wonder how you go from me directly, full speed to them…(was I wrong about love and desire and all those things I thought I knew about us? Shit, how embarrassing) Oddly, it does not diminish my love or desire for you, it’s just hard… I can see you are now seriously smitten with the latest one- the one you ski with and swore you had no feelings for… I just didn’t know that you were so far gone. I am sorry I couldn’t see it and let you go more easily. You have endured my crying and my indignit shouts that disparage both of us… I am so sorry for that… I am so very sorry for not just smiling and thanking you for the privilege of being a part of your life and, for an all to short of time, having earned your love. (tears)

These things never end well, how could they? Goddammit!! Should I have been wise and turned you around that night in our room in Spain? (Resolutely, emphatically NO!) Even before, that night, at dinner (you had lamb, I had a steak --mmmm, land meat) we talked, and talked and, for a few moments at that table I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to Kiss you because I decided right there that I liked you, that I respected you. Then later in that dark street, you stepped left as I stepped right, we stood for a moment and looked at each other, then we kissed- a first kiss- like electricity grounding out from your lips to my lips all the way through me, to my toes, a rush of warm chaos- everything stopped as it does for lovers- everything stopped and the world revolved around you and I and that wonderful kiss…the drunken clatter of fellow athletes hooting, hollering in at least 6 languages… a cheer for the shattering of our obvious tension… and then again, the next morning, the necessary reaction force, the quiet, unspoken communication- until we had to fill up the Opel-

you took me and kissed me- from then on I was

So. Far. Gone.

Should we have remained just strangers enough? Strangers enough to talk about the “THING” and yet still have to make rules about how we interact with our boots on…? Only close enough to find a small bond just slightly beyond physical…never close enough to be truly intimate- just close enough for the physical? No, no, no… I don’t regret you yet.

And now after this grind, this long emotional slog through the dark places in my mind, heart and, tattered soul we come to the end (que dramatica). We are both sitting here online with nothing to say. I can’t tell you I long for you or share any kind of plan for the next great encounter- You can’t tell me of this weeks latest conquest, who is waiting in the wings or your latest party, we can’t even talk about these small things… we sit here together, alone, sad and, un-extraordinary.

Our most personal notes, private photos left on a corner of your hard drive, hidden behind forgotten passwords and camouflaged file folders, eventually to be viewed with a blush and a mild chagrin, then deleted. Minutes to hours to days, weeks, months, years- even petroglyphs turn to sand eventually.... it won't take long for our photos to be buried on Facebook, piled on by pictures of parties, adventures, dozens of the blurry eyed collegians, ski racers and foreign boys hoisting glasses and plastic cups... the randoms, the not so randoms... still others of superficial value.

“WE WERE LOVERS ONCE” A funny, inside joke between us when we were just friends-is now it is a sick-sad commentary on what could have been, what might have been (¯pictures of you¯) We are now a part of each others collection. We die containing a richness of lovers and tribes, tastes we have swallowed, bodies we have plunged into and swum up as if rivers of wisdom, characters we have climbed into as if trees, fears we have hidden in, as if caves. …we are not owned or monogamous in our taste and experience. My… no, OUR pictures in your frames will be replaced as we have both done before… Spain as a quaint memory… “Oh, the place with the nice sunsets and the good skiing… yes, I remember that, it was nice”

It’s over; my realisation is indeed, that it is all over. I’m about five weeks behind you, but I do know it, our “thing” is dead.

I sincerely believed you were the one for me… I am truly sorry for all this drama; after all, you were very clear about never being forever. I will miss you.

Did you say no, this cant happen to me,

And did you rush to the phone to call

Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind

Saying maybe you didnt know him at all

You didnt know him at all, oh, you didnt know

Well, the bells out in the church tower chime

Burning clues into this heart of mine

Thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memories

Offer signs that its over... its over¯j, buckley

I adore you. I love you dearly, madly, deeply.

(forever) Always,


How amazing would it be to fall in love with each other again?

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