this is what i want to happen tomorrow at my ceremony/induction:

we will all walk in the correct way, i will follow the girl in front of me. i will wear that silk dress i bought. i think he liked it. my hair had better look good.

but as i walk in i will have to scan the crowd for my father. i know he will be there because i mentioned it today. and he doesn't have work tomorrow. once i find him, graying hair, balding, glasses, i will see who he is sitting near.

surprise! it is my room mate! i can't believe it! she looks so pretty, i am so glad she could come to my school! but who is sitting next to her?

it's him. hunched over a little in the smaller chairs, but it is him. i can tell he feels weird being at my school and being at this weird cult-ish thing, but i am so grateful he is there.

i've already made eye contact with my father and my room mate, but i will wait to meet his eyes.

i think his eyes are green.

i walk up the isle closest to them. i can't help it, i know i might get in trouble and jack up the whole ceremony, but i break from ranks. i have to touch him to know he is really there.

i squeeze down the isle, my heels almost catching on some woman's ugly billowy skirt. i climb over five laps, the other two of my party included, reach out to him.

i fold myself into his quick embrace and make time for a meaningful look and an unstoppable grin.

"hi"

"hey"

"i'm so glad you're here. i have to go now, though"

"i know"

i stumble and fumble back to my appropriate place in line, catching the chastising glare of most adults and even a few of the girls. i rolled my eyes, what do they know about me and him? if they knew the would pause the whole thing so we could have the moment we deserve.

this thing drags on, we all sit down and listen to some stupid speeches about honors and women and tradition. i have no ears for anything. my ears are perked for his voice, for his laugh, for his music, for his dimples. how i can hear a smile is beyond me.

we stand up in my row and begin to line up. i am so antsy. i have eyes only for him. how could i have missed it?

somehow i find his eyes in the crowd and cross the stage and make it down the stairs and back to my seat. i have a candle and a folder. who cares?

we all sit down and wait for everyone else. i am so antsy, i've shredded my candle a little at the tip. it will still light. i've brought my lighter. is that legal? i don't want to stand around and pretend i care about honors or grades or college or anything except for my friend sitting in the very building in this same room as me and how much i have to check to make sure it is real. is he really there?

he is there. we all got up and did the circle game and lit our candles and listened to the song and dimmed the lights and blew out our candles. we had to exit the room.

i was the first one back in, searching through the crowd of people. i find my father, thank him, hug him, hand him my purse and my folder and my candle and my cellular phone. i find my room mate and hug her and tell her to look at my shoes. then it is our turn.

i can only look up at him for a second and then we are somehow drawn together. it is one of those hugs which is so much more than that, yet always innocent. i lean back to look at his face, his eyes, his hair, his dimples and teeth. i am still smiling ear to ear, literally.

"hi"

"hey"

"how did you do this? how long are you here? why? how?"

he will just shrug and smile, but i will know that he is here to see me and only me and that we should look to the future for something.

and look into frequent flier miles.

but none of that will happen except for my father being there tomorrow. because i mentioned it once to him. he will be so proud of me.